I don't like to sound like I'm complaining. Well, I might be, a little even though I am completely thankful for the position I have. But I feel like it doesn't matter how much you can improve or how much you work on something that your directors always look at you the same way as when you were a student. A new company member will get directly into the company hired from the outside world and he will probably be treated in a total different/more professional way than you do. Why is this? I seriously don't know but I feel like that is my life.
Somehow I've been portraying an image of myself that is not the image I want to portray as a dancers. I am a really funny guy, at least people think I am, which causes me being cast in funny, acting roles and mostly comedy, instead of the serious more professional and deep roles I would like to portray.
People will say -Oh! Just be a little more serious.- Easy to say, hard to do, because when I get serious then everyone things I am mad or my director thinks I have an attitude.
Sometimes I simply just wish that I could get into my director's head and really know what he thinks of me, what he really wants for me and somehow he doesn't tell me. I really just want to do good in the company and perform a lot and perform good but somehow I feel like i keep failing and disappointing.
I consider myself a really hard worker. As a matter of fact, everything I have is because I have worked really hard for it. Why? Because I love ballet. I want ballet in everything in my day. I want ballet for breakfast, I want ballet for lunch, for dinner, I want it in my sleep...
And I simply hate to feel this frustrated. This past two weeks have been really stressing and I'm trying to keep positive but somehow I feel like nobody is helping me even though I am doing a lot of things wrong.
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